Comedy
Page 9
- I'm not a player, I'm an alien...My focus is on winning championships. I don’t focus on anything else. Aliens only want to win championships.
- Do you want smaller government with less handouts, or do you want a low minimum wage? Because you cannot have both. If Colonel Sanders isn't going to pay the lady behind the counter enough to live on, then Uncle Sam has to. And I, for one, am getting a little tired of helping highly-profitable companies pay their workers.
- Ask any of the guys in the camp, I'm stronger than I've ever been, I'm faster than I've ever been. I could run all day. I'm kind of like a black unicorn out there. It's amazing to watch. You go out there and you see a big, black guy running down the field, it's usually me.
- I’m not afraid to write about madness. I always figure that whatever most embarrasses you is something that everyone can relate to, really…because we’re just not that different. So if you think, ‘Oh my god, this is so embarrassing. I can’t possibly talk about that,' and you write about it, the audience is gonna be like, ‘that happened to me!
- I think if you write humor, then people don’t - you know - they don’t give you that much credit. They tend to think you just dictate your stories into a tape recorder. And I’m not necessarily insulted by that, because I think that just means that it looks easy.
- Congrats to Congress on their one-year high approval rating of 19 percent and their long weekend. You’ve earned it!
- I think everybody really wants to be a bad guy and cook crystal meth and murder people.
- They always seem to think that I’m scary, and I understand that totally. Old people are scary. And I have to face it, I am old and I am scary. And I’m very, very sorry about it, but I don’t know what you do.
- To all the young people out there who think money and fame is important: that’s only a small piece of the pie. You need an education to be totally secure in life. I feel very secure I can go get a real job now.
- I promised my parents I'd do it, I promised myself I'd do it. It took eight years. It should have taken six or seven. I had some other engagements.
- Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.
- I know CNN has taken some knocks lately but the fact is, I admire their commitment to covering all sides of the story, just in case one of them happens to be accurate.