Comedy
Page 8
- Let's face it, Fox News, you'll miss me when I'm gone. It'll be harder to convince the public that Hillary Clinton was born in Kenya.
- I was never going to help [Kevin Spacey with House of Cards]. He kept asking me, and I wouldn’t help him - until I found out he played a Democrat, so I told him to come on in, I’d give him any advice.
- There are a lot of politicians who said things about Bowe Bergdahl before he came home, and then…suddenly changed their mind…The best is the people who had tweeted their thoughts and prayers to Bowe Bergdahl. Then all this stuff happened, and they went back and deleted their prayers. You can’t delete a prayer.
- I just want to be able to work with my friends. And the people who are funny when you’re in the trenches, those are the people you want around you….the only disadvantage women have is [they] have to keep f___ing answering the question of, ‘Is it hard, and are women funny?’ The men don’t have to answer that question. That’s the only impairment.
- The Republicans tend to choose the candidate who came in second place in the last election, and Democrats tend to move on. Ask President Ed Muskie how it worked out to be the front-runner. Ask President Howard Dean how it worked out.
- So are all the kids on the East Coast repeating school next year? Get ready to see a lot of hairy eighth graders. Storm brain drain.
- [Kevin Spacey] portrays this person with all the wrong things you hear about Washington. He literally murders one member [of Congress]. If I could murder one member, I'd never have to worry about another vote.
- I've always said, I like my coffee like I like my men… I don't drink coffee.
- I still have that new senator smell.
- People call me a socialist sometimes. But, no, you gotta meet real socialists. You’ll have a sense of what a socialist is.
- I've been doing this professionally since I was 10. If entertainment years were dog years, man, I'd be like Gandhi. I'd be like 250 years old.
- As is tradition, this new year the mayor is dropping the ball in NYC, while Congress drops the ball in Washington.