Ok, that’s the show. From eternity, I’m Stephen Colbert. Jon?

The lies linking me with the disgraceful Jeffrey Epstein need to end today,

A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don't want that to happen, but it probably will.

I can say tonight that we are on track to complete all of America's military objectives shortly. We are going to hit them extremely hard over the next two to three weeks. We're going to bring them back to the stone ages, where they belong.

Leading President Trump’s historic and highly successful efforts to make America safer and more secure has been the honor of a lifetime, and easily the most consequential first year of the Department of Justice in American history.

We're eliminating the distractions and debris. No more DEI, no more dudes in dresses, no more climate change worship, or social justice, or political correctness, we're done with all of that.

MAGA is - I think people are realizing it was all a lie. It was a big lie for the people.

I think everyone is born funny. Sadly, some lives beat it out of them. I don't know what allows someone to keep being funny and actually make a career of it. I was encouraged to see the humor in life and have always been around people who think funny, but I know some hilarious people whose sense of humor saved them from their lives.

The United States of America has successfully carried out a large scale strike against Venezuela and its leader, President Nicolas Maduro, who has been, along with his wife, captured and flown out of the country.