Oprah marched on Selma this weekend. She has a dream that Selma shall overcome The Wedding Ringer at the box office.
Jan 21, 2015
While we’re all obsessed with Deflategate, let’s keep in mind that there’s something about which you should give a f**k. Yes, like Tom Brady, the world is getting hotter and hotter, and you know why? Because we humans are pumping carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.
Jan 26, 2015
Before I go out, I always designate a droner. Friends don’t let friends drone drunk.
Jan 27, 2015
Can I vaccinate anyone who approaches me in Stand Your Ground states?
Jan 31, 2015
The first person Marco Rubio thanks in acknowledgments of [his] new book: ‘My Lord, Jesus Christ.’ The second? ‘My very wise lawyer, Bob Barnett.’
Jan 07, 2015
When I have children, I'm going to tell them to aspire to be third-string quarterbacks.
Jan 13, 2015
Tip to people in TV news: If you want out of your contract, just say you want to run for President.
Jan 03, 2015
The movie Selma is a story about the American Civil Rights movement that totally worked and now everything is fine.
Jan 12, 2015
Nicholas Sparks is getting divorced. When he has a hard time dating, he'll only have the unrealistic standards he created to blame.
Jan 06, 2015
Ok, that’s the show. From eternity, I’m Stephen Colbert. Jon?
Dec 18, 2014