Comedy
Page 6
- Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
- The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men's hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note.
- When I stepped off the plane here in Washington, DC, I remember reflecting on the great words of Jesus: 'turn the other cheek, forgive seventy-times-seven' - and I thought, 'that'll get me through the first week.
- CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, 'It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health.' I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls, and all the ingredients for meth.
- [Hillary Clinton] and I are fine. Are we going to be besties for the rest of our lives? No.
- Trust me, when they read the [Oscar] results, my face was...frozen. But then I thought about it, and I just decided just to...let it go.
- In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.
- On the first day, God created the navy blue blazer with brass buttons and khakis. And I looked and saw that it was not good. On the second day, He made the ill-fitting all-black suit. And I looked and saw that it was kinda bland. On the third day he created the boxy grey suit -- and things were starting to get bleak. On the fourth day, I cried. The hunt for my bar mitzvah suit was failing miserably.
- Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That's right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!
- The worst thing about Daylight Savings is that clocks now set themselves, so I can’t lie about why I’m late on Monday.
- I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman’s chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.